Crashing in Colorado

I recently returned from spending a little over two months on the east coast. Part of that time was with Sarah, Andrew, Henry and Julian. The rest of the time Kim and I resided at our place on Mount Desert Island in Maine. Initially I flew to Boston but I came back with Kim via car. I loved that whole experience. I think I like the nomadic life.

When I was out east I would have times of fatigue that is beyond normal but I could keep my head above water. When I returned to our home in Colorado I sank beneath the surface. Most sufferers of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome know this as crashing. Usually the crash, also known as post-exertional malaise, occurs because of more activity than I can handle. But every time I return home to Colorado I experience the same thing. I have a theory about this—in addition to or maybe because of CFS my body has a hard time adjusting to high altitude. It always happens when I fly home. I hoped that because we drove and the trip was more gradual, I would escape the crash, but no.

The crash or post-exertional malaise is painful—an all encompassing fatigue but not necessarily achy, sore or smarting (well, okay, sometimes it is accompanied by a headache and sore throat ). I can’t move and I can’t think. It has been five days and I am feeling better. Otherwise I would not be able to write this post.

The Glory of King Solomon

I would love to enter a time travel machine and observe Israel at the time of Solomon’s reign. His father’s military efforts had paid off making the nation secure and peaceable. It had wide borders and the people were happy and well fed.


King Solomon was a fascinating figure. He was king of Israel at the height of its glory. The whole world sought audience with Solomon to listen his great wisdom. He was a writer with three books to his credit in the canon of Scripture. He had an intimate knowledge of the natural world. He was extremely wealthy and perhaps one of the few men in all of history to have every material desire fulfilled.


It is interesting that Solomon was a child of the union between David and Bathsheba—the relationship that represented the great sin of David’s life. David committed both adultery and murder to make Bathsheba his wife. But God granted his plea for forgiveness. And a son of this union becomes king and reigns at the time of the greatest glory of ancient Israel. God gave David a fresh start through Solomon. It is a beautiful example of God’s mercy, grace and propensity to offer second chances.


Yet Solomon drifted away from worshiping Yahweh who gave him everything on a golden platter. It is a marvel that some people, who have all the world has to offer can completely blow it. Solomon was able to avoid disaster but he set in motion the downward spiral of the nation of Israel into ruin. First he followed after the way of the kings at that time and focused on the exclusive goals of wealth, power and an excessively large harem. Then he allowed his foreign wives to lead him astray and worship other gods. How did they manage to have so much influence on him anyway? I thought women were powerless in the ancient world. Yet they managed to corrupt the wisest man alive. The nation of God’s chosen people, for whom He cared so much, starts to unravel following the death of Solomon.

“Nature is Cruel but We Don’t Have to Be”

I loved the movie Temple Grandin. Not only was it a well done film but it was a most interesting story based on a real person’s life. It helped me understand autism better and it reveals how people with ‘disabilities’ can make amazing contributions to society and our way of living.

It stars Claire Danes who does an amazing job of portraying Temple Grandin, a woman with autism who grew up in the 1950s and 1960s when there was little understanding of the condition. While a physician recommended that little Temple be institutionalized, her mother fought the system and worked hard to teach Temple how to talk and behave, enabling her to complete her education and go onto college. Temple continued with her education to complete both a masters and a doctorate degree in animal science. Her career in livestock management has transformed the means of transporting cattle to the slaughter house so that they enter it calmly, dying without pain and in dignity. Temple has a love, compassion and respect for the animals that give us life and health. Almost half of the slaughter plants and livestock farms in the US use her designs.

That is encouraging because I believe that meat is a healthy source of nutrition for me. I know that diet is a very individual thing but my health problems with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome have made me sensitive to what makes me feel healthy and nourished.

I now wish to explore finding, purchasing and preparing grass-fed meat. I would prefer to eat meat from animals that are raised on pastureland rather than crowded livestock farms. I have learned that it is healthier for human consumption and I assume that it provides a better life for the animals. Maybe someday farmers will rip up some of the vast fields of corn (the source of the poisonous high fructose corn syrup) and wheat (the source of mammoth amounts of highly refined foods and gluten) and use the land for pasture.

Recovering the Joy

A chronic illness does not have to take all the joy out of life. My passion for hiking is an example. I have always loved the great outdoors; nature, wild life, gorgeous views, and the invigoration that comes with exercise. I formerly held visions of spending the rest of my life conquering the ‘fourteeners’ of Colorado. But then Chronic Fatigue Syndrome invaded my life and I had to abandon those dreams. It was very painful. But I have come to the realization that I can continue to hike and enjoy the outdoors. It simply has to be done in smaller pieces.

Acadia National Park is a wonderful place to hike with trails for people of varying abilities. For those who love to hike but are restricted by a health problem, there are many short sweet trails winding through some of the most stunning beauty. It is a treat and I’m relishing every bit of it!

I do lose the opportunity to boast. Saying, “I climbed the 173 foot summit of Bar Island!” is not nearly as impressive as “I climbed 14,115 foot Pikes Peak!” But maybe there are more important things than my pride.

Facing Reality

I may as well admit it. I have a chronic illness. I have been struggling with this health problem for ten years yet I maintain this stubborn notion that it will finally go away. I persist in thinking that I will find the cure. True healing is right around the corner and I’ll get back to normal. But it doesn’t happen. I have given up on doctors as far as this condition goes. There are some things that help and I have found ways to cope. But will it ever completely go away? I don’t know and to be honest it doesn’t seem likely.

Over the years I have followed a pattern of desperately searching for answers, surging with hope when I come across a promising discovery and aching disappointment when the answer fails to be the ultimate solution.

Pride and shame keep me from admitting the obvious. It is painful to admit that I am flawed—that my body is broken. It is particularly painful to tolerate such little physical activity after previously perceiving myself as relatively athletic.

There is a certain comfort in acceptance. I can let go and quit fighting and pretending. Acceptance does not mean giving up but learning to adapt to life in a new way.

It has been a long journey but the following are things that have helped me so far:

• Practicing the relaxation response, meditation, and proper breathing technique
• Careful pacing of activity and rest
• Overcoming insomnia through the Conquering Insomnia program
• Eating low-carbohydrate and gluten-free
• Finding comfort from the myriad personal blogs on living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Fibromyalgia/ME

I am staying with our daughter and family for a few weeks. My main job is helping out with care for 7 month old Julian while she waits for a more permanent child care situation. Sarah and Andrew are very busy with their jobs and parenting highly energized three year old Henry and baby Julian. I wish I could do more to help them but my energy levels get depleted so quickly. I keep hitting the wall of numbing fatigue, headache and sore throat and then I have to back off and rest until my energy reserves are replenished. This is very frustrating.

Learning to Sleep Again

One morning six months ago I rose to another dreary day of sleep deprived exhaustion. I was so tired of feeling tired. I have struggled with insomnia on and off for most of my adult life but recently the problem had plumbed new depths.

For almost twenty years I relied on a medication to help me sleep that my doctor assured me I could take safely for the rest of my life. That stopped abruptly when the pharmaceutical company ceased to manufacture it. However, once off of it I felt healthier and stronger. It seemed that there was a link between the medication and the poorer health that I had been experiencing and I regretted I had taken it for so many years. From then on I wanted to abstain from sleeping pills as I realized that all medications have undesirable side effects. Medications can be helpful in the short term but unless absolutely necessary, taking medications long term may introduce new health problems. And in particular, current medical wisdom advises against taking sleeping pills long term.

Thus on this specific day in December, strangled in the web of brain fog and the malaise of fatigue, I resolved that I would find a drug-free answer. I simply refused to live this way anymore. The nights were miserable and the days were even worse. I cried out to God. If this was ‘the thorn in the flesh’ that God wanted me to live with, so be it, but I wasn’t going to accept it without a fight.

I spent the morning browsing the internet for answers. I came across all kinds of ads, gimmicks and websites designed to appeal to sufferers of insomnia. Intuitively I rejected most of them. Then something caught my eye. It was a website for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia. It had a link to a Good Housekeeping article and the author drew me in with her well written humorous style and I could identify with her sleeping difficulties. She explained how the drug-free CBT for Insomnia program had helped her and she gave me hope. I examined it carefully. The five week long program is designed and run by psychologist Dr. Gregg Jacobs. It provides instructional material to be read and studied each week and the participant is required to keep a sleep diary which is examined and returned with directions regarding one’s sleep schedule. The cost was only $25. What was there to lose?

The timing of all of this fell over Christmas week. Normally I would wait until after Christmas to start a program of any kind but I craved immediate relief. Fortunately our Christmas plans were low key and I thought this was as good a time as any to get going on it. However, not only did the course span Christmas and New Year’s but also the time we would spend out east with Sarah and Andrew as she was due to deliver her second baby.

In spite of the holidays and traveling I followed the program faithfully; not because I was dutiful or disciplined but because I was desperate. I didn’t see immediate results. I knew it was a process and it could take some time and practice to achieve success. But toward the end of the program I could tell it was working. I had fewer of those miserable, restless nights and zombie-like days and was generally feeling more rested and energetic than I had in a long time.

The program didn’t help me in the way I expected. I had always believed the hype that one needs eight hours of sleep. I thought for sure that I was one of those people. So I assumed that that was what I would get from the program—eight solid hours of good sleep. Gregg Jacobs says no. Some people need less. My program was structured so that I was advised to get no more than 7 hours. But I found that I did fine on that—even 6 hours some nights is all I need. In fact, Jacobs suggests that the ‘eight hour hype’ is promoted by pharmaceutical companies in an effort to sell more of their sleeping pills.

I decided to let a good amount of time go by before I would tell my story. I wanted to avoid premature claims that I had conquered my insomnia. But generally speaking it worked, and I am very happy to enjoy regular good sleep.

http://www.cbtforinsomnia.com/

My California Trip

Consisted of:

Visiting relatives

Not only Uncle Brennan and Bill and Kathy who are pictured here but Steve and Wendy and Don too (I was mad at myself for forgetting to take their photos)

Visiting Friends

Brad (Sean's old roommate from USC) and Cathy and Noah

Justin (Sean's present roommate)

Seeing two great museums with gardens

The Huntington Library and Gardens

The fabulous Getty Center

Attending Sean's church: experiencing and appreciating Tommie Walker's music

Seeing The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo because it hadn't been playing anywhere near Colorado

Enjoying lots of fun eateries:

The Carousel http://www.carouselrestaurant.com/

The Trattoria Amici at The Americana http://www.americanaatbrand.com/glendale/dining/dining.php

Aunty Ems http://www.auntieemskitchen.com/press.html

The Oinkster http://www.theoinkster.com/

Cafe Beaujolais http://www.yelp.com/biz/cafe-beaujolais-los-angeles

Ruby's Diner on the pier at Huntington Beach http://www.rubys.com/

Spending time with Sean who graciously allowed his mother to hang out with him and drove her all over the place on those crazy freeways