Broken But Beloved

It's All In My Head

2011-09-30T05:37:00.000-07:00

My health problems are in my head—literally. Research, monitoring my heart rate for 3 months, and Dr David Bell’s hometest http://aboutmecfs.org.violet.arvixe.com/Trt/TrtOIBellTest.aspx have led me to this conclusion. I have aform of orthostatic intolerance known as POTS (postural tachycardia syndrome). Forsome mysterious reason, my heart rate fails to adjust when I go fromlying/sitting to standing. Initially a healthy person’s heart rate increaseswhen making that postural change but returns quickly to a slower rate. Minedoes not, making me feel as though I am running even though I am standing still.This rapid heart rate results in cerebral hypoperfusion; a decrease in bloodflow to the brain.

Cerebral hypoperfusion causes the symptoms which haveplagued me for ten years and for which I was given the diagnosis by one doctorof fibromyalgia. These symptoms of fatigue, lightheadedness, headache, exerciseintolerance, and cognitive impairment also seem to mimic Chronic FatigueSyndrome.

However, when I allow my brain to get the blood flow itneeds, I feel a thousand times better.

And this is how I take care of my brain:

1)      Avoidprolonged standing and sitting.
2)      Restas needed.
3)      Adoptpostures that aid in maintaining an adequate blood flow to the brain: sittingin a low chair or any way in which the knees are close to the chest.
4)      Eata low carbohydrate diet; high carb meals cause vasodilation.
5)      Maintaina liberal fluid and salt intake to ensure that the blood vessels are filledadequately.
6)      Improvephysical conditioning and endurance through activity such as rowing and using arecumbent bike.

The symptoms of POTS are exacerbated for me when living at highaltitude. My home has been Coloradobut this summer I lived on the coast of Maine.Unlike healthy people my heart rate remains high and fails to accommodate tothe lower saturation of oxygen in the atmosphere of Colorado.I feel much better at sea level.

I Love Edward Hopper's Art

2011-09-27T07:38:00.000-07:00

A few days ago Kim and I saw the art exhibit “Edward Hopper’s Maine” at Bowdoin College. I love his art. Even before knowing who the artist was I have long admired his paintings.

Art conveys beauty or truth or both. Hopper’s paintings are stark but they magically distill beauty down to simple elements. His ability to portray sunlight and shadow is exquisite.

He captures the beauty of wind, sea and sky in his paintings of sailing. Ground Swell communicates the adventure, excitement and fun of sailing.

Ground Swell

The Long Leg reveals the peace and tranquility yet hints at the tedium.

The Long Leg

He brings out the beauty of the simplest, most ordinary buildings.

Early Sunday Morning

Many of his paintings lack human figures but when they are there, they are often lonely, detached figures, absorbed in thought or intent on a task. This illustrates a truth about the loneliness of being human. We come into this world alone and we die alone. What makes life worthwhile is being able to connect with others. But this is an area where we often fail. Selfishness, pride, fear of intimacy, and fierce protection of our fragile egos inhibit community.

Automat

Summer is for Sailing

2011-07-21T03:42:00.000-07:00

One of the joys of this summer is putting our boat Manuella back into the water. For various reasons we have not been able to sail for several years and she has been languishing in storage. But now she is sitting in all her glory tied to a floating dock at a marina close to our house in Maine.

Sailing is a great sport for one who suffers from POTS (postural tachycardia syndrome). I have always loved sailing but in my mountain climbing days I disparaged it for being too sedentary. That doesn’t matter to me anymore. Now it is a plus to me that sailing does not demand a lot of upright posture. Instead there is a lot of sitting, squatting, short bouts of climbing and the occasional opportunity to lie down and rest. And the sitting that is involved is not necessarily inert. It involves a lot of core muscle tension and subtle exercise as one maneuvers around in sailing activities. In addition there is the aerobic exercise of rowing out to the boat and back in the dingy where one can maintain the advantageous recumbent posture. Just the right kind of exercise for a sufferer of POTS.

Do I Have POTS or ME/CFS/CFIDS?

2011-06-30T05:29:00.000-07:00

Both my life and my blog have been put on hold as I have recently gone through a time of transition. Life has been more challenging as I have been without the companionship and support of my husband as he has been in another part of the country helping his parents move into an assisted living apartment; followed by his staying with them when his father suffered a massive stroke two weeks later. It has been a very stressful time for us. Out of the past six weeks we have been together for less than two and a part of that was during the sad and busy events surrounding his Dad’s funeral.

Before all this happened we had planned to live in Maine for the summer. I have gone ahead and traveled to Maine without him. The upside of this time of chaos and grief is that I feel much better physically living in Maine.

I have always observed that I feel better at sea level but the heart rate monitor that I have been wearing in recent months has given me objective data. My heart rate is a good 10-20 points lower here than it was in Colorado. I feel better and I have less fatigue.

My major symptoms are:

Fatigue

Post-exerional malaise or exercise intolerance
Cognitive problems-brain fog

Each of these are identified as symptoms for both POTS and ME/CFS/CFIDS. So I am left wondering…

Still Reveling over Mother's Day and Baffled by our Colorado Springs (no pun intended)

2011-05-14T06:01:00.000-07:00

My Mother's Day bouquet from James

I have been enjoying the memories of Mother's Day all week. I woke up that morning assuming it would be a quiet day with Kim. It was a lovely, warm spring day as Mother's Day should be and I was happy for all the mothers who had various activities planned with their families. Sadly, there was no expectation of seeing Sarah on the east coast or Sean on the west coast and I assumed our youngest, James, was busy with his work at a nearby Camp. But James surprised me early afternoon with flowers and a thoughtful gift. We had a pleasant lunch on our deck and I felt blessed. In the evening I heard from both Sean and Sarah via phone and the nature of their conversations gave me additional joy.

Dining al fresco on Mother's Day

Even the recent snow cannot dampen my happy memories of Mother's Day!

Artistry with Strings

2011-05-06T08:06:00.000-07:00

I urge anyone who lives in or visits Colorado Springs to take in some live theatre at the Simpich Showcase Marionette Theatre. It is a rare and magical piece of art that entertains and inspires as it tells classic tales and reveals spiritual truths. I was recently enchanted by a moving performance of John Bunyan’s allegory Pilgrim’s Progress in this small, intimate theatre that is perfect for a performance with marionette puppets.

Beautiful puppets adorned in period costumes bring the story to life. David Simpich uses deft movements of his hands and myriad voices with the twenty some puppets to dramatize the story. I am amazed at the many skills he uses to create a flight into fantasy as artisan, craftsman, playwright, actor and stage technician.

Although he convinces the audience that it is the puppets who are talking he resists remaining a silent presence behind the marionettes. He unobtrusively becomes a player as well, touching the audience with his warmth and humanity.

This theatre is beyond the understanding of very young children. But I have good memories of taking our children to these productions years ago when they were old enough to appreciate them. And I look forward to the time when my grandchildren can share this extraordinary experience with me.

ME and OI

2011-04-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

I have made a new discovery in my continuing quest to find out what is wrong with me. I was cognizant of orthostatic intolerance as a medical condition but until recently the thought that it had anything to do with me was far from my mind. But I have learned more about it through following Sue Jackson’s blog Learning to Live with CFS: Heart Rate and Post-Exertional Crashes in CFS and Orthostatic Intolerance

The old wheels started turning and I began to explore and research OI. I started to keep track of my pulse and discovered that it did indeed race when I was standing or even sitting upright at a desk. This is known as postural tachycardia syndrome (POTS) and is one of the common forms of chronic orthostatic intolerance. I bought a heart rate monitor so that I could keep better track.

What it comes down to is this basic formula:

When the numbers are down = feel good
When the numbers spike = feel lousy
When the numbers spike for too long = post-exertional crash

It is nice to feel that I have some control now. When I don’t feel good (headache, fatigue, lightheadedness, brain fog) I can correlate it with my upright posture and increased heart rate. I get relief by adjusting my posture; sitting cross-legged or with feet elevated, crouching, reclining or lying down. I can also use my heart rate monitor to take note when the numbers are going up and change my posture to prevent the painful symptoms.

I now wonder if my health problems are due to orthostatic intolerance rather than myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome. Or maybe it is just that OI is part of ME/CFS.

It would be very comfortable for me to adopt the Japanese custom of sitting on the floor at a low table.

ME and High Altitude

2011-04-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

We returned from two lovely weeks in Florida last weekend. We had a glorious time of warm sun, balmy breezes, beach walks and nights falling asleep to the lullaby of waves. It was a great respite from the long winters that we have here at home. Colorado has a great climate—temperate summers, golden autumns and pleasant winters (I don’t mind winters of reasonable duration filled with the beauty of snow!). But spring in the Rocky Mountains is a different story—just one long extension of winter.

But shortly after arriving home I crashed. In spite of my time of rest and relaxation in Florida I am experiencing fatigue, headache and general malaise. Due to ME/CFS (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), I always have a hard time adjusting back to high altitude after a trip.

High altitude means less oxygen and in my case, less oxygen exacerbates my symptoms. When I travel to low altitude places, I feel much better. We are seriously considering moving.

The nature of ME/CFS is such that the cells of one’s body fail to receive or use the oxygen they require. This raises the question; could routine oxygen therapy be helpful to those who suffer from ME/CFS? In my continual perusal of articles and blogs regarding anything that is about ME/CFS I have run across a few references to this. But it is by no means a commonplace treatment.

Yea! I Didn't Crash!

2011-03-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

Last week was a big week. I lived at high altitude, did my little bit of skiing, and had company. And yet I avoided crashing.

There are several reasons for this. I continued to pace carefully. I took two rest periods everyday—and when I cannot sleep I rest and practice relaxation exercises. I have started monitoring my heart rate, making sure that it rarely exceeds 60% of my maximum heart rate (a little challenging at high altitude!) And our company was entirely gracious, warm and caring. They showed unconditional love.

Unconditional love is a healing balm for your soul and is good for whatever ails you. God's love, in which I trust, is unconditional but sometimes we feel it most through other people.

Hypochondriac

2011-03-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel is the latest book I have read with my book club. I had difficulty getting into it at first but I was engrossed by page 100 of its 900 pages. I like her portrayal of Thomas Cromwell—opposite from his prevailing image. Through his eyes we observe the rapacious world of the court of King Henry VIII as well as the turbulence of the English reformation.

I discovered that she wrote a memoir, Giving up the Ghost, that tells the story of her struggle with chronic illness. Intrigued, partially because of my own battle with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I read it. It is appalling what she endured not only from the illness but because of poor treatment from the medical establishment. It is tragic how her physical complaints as a young woman in her twenties were answered with psychotropic drugs that sent her spinning into a world of even more pain and suffering. Yet she describes it with grace and humor.

I have read many similar stories of people with CFS/ME/CFIDS. Why must some doctors assume that if they fail to understand the symptoms, the patient must be imagining them and therefore has a psychiatric problem? Why can’t doctors listen with compassion to the patient and admit that sometimes they simply don’t know? And not only doctors but friends and family as well? Hypochondriac is a word for when you don’t know what to do with another’s pain.

Wildlife Sighting

2011-03-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I saw a bobcat. It looked like this:

I wish I could use my own photo but it was the dim light of early morning and the cat trotted by too quickly. It was thrilling as I have never seen a bobcat in the wild before. At first glance I thought it was a fox but, no, it looked like an enormous housecat with a bobbed tail.

My joy was tempered however by concern for the fluffy gray rabbit that has graced our property this winter. My husband and I have regarded it as our pet bunny. It made its presence known frequently; hanging out either by a drainage pipe or hollow log where it could easily escape predators. But on one occasion it failed to find safety in either of those places because I found a mere shred of its body yesterday; its one remaining little rabbit foot looking so pathetically sweet. I suspect the bobcat was responsible.

What an emotional roller coaster as I went from the high of seeing what to me was an exotic animal to discovering the torn body of our little bunny. Aw…the harsh reality of nature. I long for the peaceable kingdom!

The Mess that is CFS

2011-03-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

I have recovered from my most recent crash and I am back on track. Through pacing, decent sleep, naps, meditation and very gentle exercise I am generally feeling okay again.

A friend referred me to the UK PACE trials study (thank you Jody!) and it has me doing a lot of thinking. The CFS/ME/CFIDS community has responded with anger and annoyance at the UK study because it suggests that CFS is not an Organic illness and that all CFS sufferers need is exercise and proper thinking. It reminds me of the time back in the days when I thought that Medicine could help me and I was in the midst of trying to explain 'post-exertional malaise' to a doctor (I didn’t know that name back then) and his response was, “You just need to get some exercise.”

Exercise has the potential to almost always result in a crash. A crash perpetually threatens to be around the next corner and when it occurs you are sent back to square one. It is as if the authors of those studies don’t really understand CFS. It makes one wonder if they worked with patients who actually have CFS. I would like to closely examine the study and see what the participants are like. As far as I have read about it, the study seems to be flawed.

It is a big mess. CFS may very well have an organic basis but there is a lack of funding to do the research. Meanwhile the many that are afflicted need money for basic survival and decent quality of life and governments such as that in the UK are resistant to giving benefits to people with an illness that they see as lacking legitimacy. When the new health care reform is implemented in the US, we are going to have the same struggle here.

What works for now!

My Book Review

2011-02-19T07:15:00.000-08:00

If Universalism is True: Why Jesus Christ Must Not Be God

I would prefer not to believe in a literal hell. I have always accepted that hell exists because that is what I was taught. It is one of the tenets of my Christian faith but I neglect to give it much thought. Perhaps I repress it. Come to think of it, it is rarely mentioned in our churches anymore. It is one of those uncomfortable, mysterious subjects that I choose to leave in God’s hands.

A friend suggested that a group of us read If Grace is True: Why God Will Save Every Person by Phillip Gulley and James Mulholland, and discuss these ideas. I read the first four chapters of the book in a rosy glow. I loved the emphasis on God’s grace and was elated at the suggestion that there isn’t a hell after all. As I started chapter five my rosy glow transformed into a dark cloud. When the author stated, “I believe Jesus had a special relationship with God and an important role in human history, though I’m no longer persuaded this required his divinity,” my faith went through a period of crisis. Although I continued to agree with many of the ideas expressed in the book, it no longer held the same credibility for me. I cannot disbelieve that Jesus Christ is God incarnate; it is too much woven into the fabric of my faith and I cling to Him as my Savior.

This book basically boils down to being another apologetic for Unitarian Universalism dogma. Their creed is that they don’t have a creed. But adherents are united on the denial of Jesus Christ as God and the rejection of the Bible as exclusive truth.

One area in which the book is lacking is the treatment of the subject of evil. The authors make too light of it. A big question that arose out of my reading surrounds the idea of atonement. The authors reject the idea that sin must be paid for. Early on they ask, “Why must sins be paid for?” They also claim that the Israelites sacrificed animals not because God instructed them to do so but because the cultures around them were doing it. I admit that the Old Testament is very difficult to understand but if God objected to his chosen people offering sacrifices because it is cruel and unnecessary, wouldn’t he have had made this obvious to them? Instead it seems the opposite. The need for atonement and animal sacrifices was central to their worship.

The authors tend to show grace and compassion to those who commit crimes and do great evil because, as they explain, often these people are raised in horrific abusive situations. This is understandable. On the other hand they show a callousness to those who have been sinned against. They expect victims to be compassionate and forgiving and give examples of those who have done so. But I contend that it is not easy for a person who has been victimized. The authors seem to ignore their pain. They imply, “No big deal. Forgive and get over it. God does.” I’m not saying that revenge or severe punishment is the only way—I’m just asking, what do we do with evil—of which there is plenty?

If I were to offer a theory on universalism, it would go like this: I believe that Jesus Christ is God incarnate and the only way to heaven. God saves all people but He does it on the basis of the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus. A sincere, good Christian, Muslim, Hindu or representative of any other faith will not get into heaven based on good works and devout beliefs but because Jesus died for him/her like he did for everyone else in the world.

I still don’t know about hell. It is difficult to ignore the many scriptural references to hell and especially those uttered by Jesus. It is one of those areas of my Christian faith that I cannot tie up in a neat, pretty knot. And if I were given proof beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a hell, would I reject God on that basis? Mystery is a part of my faith. God is way bigger than me and on this side of the grave it is impossible to understand everything about Him. But I do believe that God is love and bestows an abundance of mercy and grace on the world. I trust Him to do the right thing.

My First Crash of 2011

2011-02-15T07:28:00.000-08:00

I have been spending the past month at our ski condominium in Keystone, CO. I love the mountains and I have a passion for skiing. There has been an abundance of snow this year and I am enjoying this white, frosty winter wonderland. In an effort to carefully pace myself, I made a plan to ski one run every other day. I have a season pass and although I cannot comfortably ski a lot in a given day, I planned to ski many days doing that little bit. It takes about an hour to ride the gondola to the top of the mountain and ski a nice long run down. It makes for a pleasant outing—a bit of exercise, fresh air and an opportunity to do something I love.

This was working fine until five days ago. My young, energetic nephew was up from Denver and came to Keystone to ski with us. It was supposed to be my alternate day; my rest day from skiing. But because I was feeling pretty good and I didn’t want to let him down or be embarrassed from the little bit of skiing I can do, I skied three runs. What is so little to a person of normal health can make a CFS sufferer crash big time. And my crash came in the form of a nasty upper respiratory infection. At least this is my strong suspicion. It could be a coincidence that I caught this cold at the same time I overdid the skiing. However it has happened before when I overdo. Sometimes the crash takes the form of that ‘hit by a truck feeling’ fatigue that sends me to bed but it can also be a bad cold. In either case the fatigue and pain slow me down considerably.
How I regret stepping outside of my energy envelope. I am allowing my body the rest that it is demanding and plan to be more prudent in the future.

Progress

2011-02-10T08:58:00.000-08:00

My quality of life has improved since I’ve started doing things the Bruce Campbell way. I have more good days and actually experience times of that delicious feeling of well being. And it follows that when I have good days I have good nights. I sleep better when I have good days.

It is a discipline, believe me. There are days when I am tempted to abandon the plan and skip my naps and extend myself. But I know now that that would be a big mistake.

One of my major goals is to avoid crashes. They are a major stressor on my body and I don’t do myself any favors by allowing myself to endure them. I believe they exacerbate the illness of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and prevent recovery. Circumstances may come up in life when I am forced to expend more energy than is healthy for me but as much as possible I want to pace and rest on a regular basis to prevent crashes. I trust that this will result in a steady increase in improved health and recovery.

A few observations:

1) Good pacing and resting allows for that groggy feeling after a nap. When in the throes of the symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I never feel groggy, only drained and sick. Groggy and sleepy feels more normal, healthier.

2) I have discovered that there is an art to conserving energy. I have to be constantly creative to find ways to ‘stay within the energy envelope.’ For example, taking my dog for a walk on leash can be very tiring. She pulls me more than I want to go in her doggie quest to vent her energy. Instead I drive to a a dog park or a spot where I can let her run free. I keep treats in my pocket to lure her when she wanders too far away. Thus she has opportunity to run and get the exercise she needs while I can walk slowly and leisurely.

3) I know I am feeling better when I feel motivated. Motivation is linked to energy and zest for life. When I lack motivation it is a sign that I am not getting enough rest.

4) Another sign of health is the enjoyment of music. Music is merely noise when I feel sick.

4) I need to find ways to help friends and family understand my inability to keep up with them. Most of the time I appear healthy and they don’t have a clue as to the pain I am experiencing.

After ten years I am finally learning to accept this illness. Not that I won’t continue to search for healing but I have learned that to have a sense of well being that I must learn to live within certain constraints. Frequent rest and the acceptance that I am unable to do certain things must be a part of my life. Sometimes this is very hard but at the same time it provides wonderful times of feeling good and normal again. Who wouldn’t want that? And why I have fought it so in the past? There must be some deep psychological reasons. For one, I wrestle against feelings of guilt. Am I being too indulgent by allowing myself all this rest? But my job right now is to get better and that is where I must put my focus.

Bruce Campbell's Way

2011-01-01T14:36:00.000-08:00

My New Year’s resolution is to use Bruce Campbell’s way to seek healing from CFIDS. This time I plan to be more deliberate about it. I have been aware of his method and his Self-help CFIDS and Fibromyalgia Organization and have tried to incorporate his strategies into my life before, but I keep failing. His strategies seem simple, straightforward and cheap but they are actually very difficult to practice. Why?

It is because it is extremely difficult to consistently hold back, carefully pace, keep records, and make rest a priority. It requires great discipline. I jeopardize myself again and again. I am a people pleaser and it is hard to say no to family and friends. I want to be hardworking, productive and successful. Reminders that I need to pace myself and rest injure my self-esteem because I am forced to admit that I am weak and fragile. And I believe that there is something in human nature that resists our need for rest.

I inhale general concepts in an intuitive way and grasp the essential truth of them but that doesn’t mean that I always incorporate them into my daily life. That is what has happened in the past with Bruce Campbell’s way. It takes discipline to not only learn about something but to practice it on a daily basis.

I digress to admit that this is also very true of my Christian faith. It is easy to inhale and grasp the truth of God’s existence, his love, his plan of redemption and the hope for a changed life but it can be quite a challenge to apply it and to cause substantial change. It takes discipline to slowly and carefully digest God’s ways that effect change in behavior. That may be why many Christians are hypocrites. They testify to it because in their mind it is real to them but their behavior may not reflect it.

But the New Year promises a fresh start and I hope to recover from CFIDS the Bruce Campbell way in 2011.

http://www.recoveryfromcfs.org/index.htm
http://www.treatcfsfm.org/
http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/library/acceptance-discipline-hope-a-story-recovery-cfids

The Frustration of CFIDS

2010-12-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

It is frustrating to have a condition like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome. It is an illness that family and friends don’t really understand or accept. It hurts emotionally to feel sick and wretched and for people to think you are making it up. Some try to understand but they never really get it. They expect you to function at the same level they can and you feel like a wuss for not being able to keep up.

Most of the time when people are sick they can go to a doctor for help and relief but not with CFIDS. There may be some doctors who understand but basically the illness does not have legitimacy. There has been little research. And there has been an absence of biological markers until recently when a link has been discovered between the retrovirus, XMRV and CFIDS. Yet it is not certain what can be done. The research shows a high percentage of people with CFIDS are positive for XMRV but not all. So what gives?

I have been toying with the idea of being tested for XMRV but with the time and expense of it all, what would I gain? This is particularly when the treatment available is in the experimental stage.

I have been following one blog with great interest of a physician, who along with her daughter have been tested positive by culture for XMRV. http://treatingxmrv.blogspot.com/ They have sought help through treatment of antiretroviral medication. They have found a sympathetic doctor to treat them and monitor their progress. So far she claims it has helped. But I don’t know if I want to go there. I am moderately functional and I fear the often damaging side effects of powerful drugs. Perhaps I would take the risk if I were bedridden. But right now I prefer to take and watch and see approach.

Maud

2010-11-19T06:01:00.000-08:00

One of the things that Kim and I did on our cross country drive home was to divert to Toronto and explore Lucy Maud Montgomery’s Ontario. At the age of 35, L.M. Montgomery married and left Prince Edward Island with her husband, Ewan MacDonald, who was a Presbyterian minister. They served at two pastorates, Leaskdale and Norval, and moved to the city when her husband retired. These places are where she wrote most of her books.

An Artist's rendering of Maud in Leaskdale

This past summer Kim and I took a vacation on PEI with my sister, her husband and their two daughters. Other than relaxing on the beach and enjoying conversation over delicious meals at the Shaw Hotel, we visited most of the LM Montgomery tourist sites. My brother-in-law coined a new word; “Anne-ing” and we did an extensive amount of this. I became reacquainted with all things “Anne” (of Green Gables) and its popular author. Since we planned to drive back to Colorado this fall, it seemed easy and appropriate to stop by Toronto and continue the tour. I had heard that the manse in Leaskdale where she and her husband first lived after they were married is now a tourist site/museum and I was eager to see it.

It was November by the time we rumbled through the greater Toronto area. We spent three nights in Oshawa on the east side of the city. I failed to realize until we were there that the museums and tourist sites were closed for the season. I don’t know what I was thinking. I assumed that because I wanted to see them and because of their proximity to a big city that they would still be open, although perhaps with limited hours. I had perused one website that said that the manse at Leaskdale would be open until Thanksgiving but I forgot that the Canadian Thanksgiving is earlier than ours—October 11 this year. But I swallowed my disappointment and thought that it was still nice to be there and we could drive around and view the countryside and the outside of the buildings where her life took place.

We spent the first of our two days in Uxbridge/Leaskdale, an hour’s drive due north of Oshawa. It was a nice sunny day, brisk, but tolerable for walking about outdoors. Uxbridge is a charming town (and also 'the trail capital of Canada') and we wandered about the outdoors of the Uxbridge-Scott Museum which houses a L.M. Montgomery exhibit but was closed. I bought a copy of Volume V:1935-1942 of The Selected Journals of the author at The Blue Heron Bookstore in town. We ran across both a gluten-free bakery and restaurant, both named Franke’s, and I was in heaven because I could once again enjoy the treats of bread and cake. We drove on to Leaskdale and easily found the Presbyterian Church. We pulled into the parking lot and as we were getting out of our car to take photos, a woman drove up. She looked at us as if expecting us but of course she could not have been. I hardly opened my mouth to say hello when she said, “Would you like me to show you the inside of the church and then take you over to the manse so you can see that too?” I was awestruck by our good fortune as this kind, friendly woman gave us an thorough tour of the church and manse. We learned that she is the president of The Lucy Maud Montgomery Society of Ontario. Both church and manse have been bought by the Society to make an exhibit of Montgomery’s life in Leaskdale. Their goal is to make the Leaskdale site one of scholarship and a deeper understanding of Montgomery’s influence on Canadian literature and the world and not so much a ‘Wonderland’ like that which is on Prince Edward Island.

In addition to learning more about LMM, we enjoyed the beauty of the rural rolling countryside. The farms scattered all over the area have the prettiest farmhouses and barns. Pastureland and fields of crops are broken up by stands of trees, pockets of forests, creeks, rivers and ponds and I was enchanted by it all.

On the second day we drove to the west of Toronto to Norval where the MacDonalds lived after they left Leaskdale. It was another pretty town, a bit more built up than Leaskdale but easy to recognize from LMM’s time. There has not been the same effort to showcase the church and manse as in Leaskdale. The Presbyterian Church continues to function as a church and it rents out the house that was once a manse. Kim opened the door of the church and called hello and was rewarded when the present minister welcomed us to come inside. He was about 30 and was reserved and shy. But he answered several of our questions and offered some information. He pointed out a photo of Ewan MacDonald on a wall of photos of all the church ministers since 1840. He showed us where Maud would perform her theatrical productions. He led us to the sanctuary which looks very much like it did back in Maud’s day except that the floor is covered by an ugly red carpet. There was an plague of appreciation to Ewan and Maud and the same hymn boards that Maud gifted to the church. Kim hinted at some questions about Ewan and Maud’s spirituality but he didn’t bite. As we left him, he directed us to the LMM garden and we delighted walking through it as well as along the lovely Credit River.

We left Norval to visit the last of the houses where LMM lived. After Ewan MacDonald retired, due to mental illness (a sad story), the family moved to Toronto and Maud bought a house. Although grown, their two sons lived at home while attending university. The house is tudor style on a bluff overlooking the Humber River and not far from the lakefront. Her old neighborhood is charming; an island of pleasant domesticity only a short drive away from the congestion of a vast city, skyscrapers and all.

I started reading her journal, Volume V, when we returned to the hotel that evening. It was almost an eerie coincidence that the first entry described her move from Norval to Toronto and I had seen those places that very day.

I would have liked to do more exploring; the University of Guelph to see its large collection of archival material and personal artifacts as well as Bala, the spot that inspired one of my favorite of her books, The Blue Castle. Maybe next time.

Crashing in Colorado

2010-11-15T07:28:00.000-08:00

I recently returned from spending a little over two months on the east coast. Part of that time was with Sarah, Andrew, Henry and Julian. The rest of the time Kim and I resided at our place on Mount Desert Island in Maine. Initially I flew to Boston but I came back with Kim via car. I loved that whole experience. I think I like the nomadic life.

When I was out east I would have times of fatigue that is beyond normal but I could keep my head above water. When I returned to our home in Colorado I sank beneath the surface. Most sufferers of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome know this as crashing. Usually the crash, also known as post-exertional malaise, occurs because of more activity than I can handle. But every time I return home to Colorado I experience the same thing. I have a theory about this—in addition to or maybe because of CFS my body has a hard time adjusting to high altitude. It always happens when I fly home. I hoped that because we drove and the trip was more gradual, I would escape the crash, but no.

The crash or post-exertional malaise is painful—an all encompassing fatigue but not necessarily achy, sore or smarting (well, okay, sometimes it is accompanied by a headache and sore throat ). I can’t move and I can’t think. It has been five days and I am feeling better. Otherwise I would not be able to write this post.

The Glory of King Solomon

2010-10-29T06:42:00.000-07:00

I would love to enter a time travel machine and observe Israel at the time of Solomon’s reign. His father’s military efforts had paid off making the nation secure and peaceable. It had wide borders and the people were happy and well fed.

King Solomon was a fascinating figure. He was king of Israel at the height of its glory. The whole world sought audience with Solomon to listen his great wisdom. He was a writer with three books to his credit in the canon of Scripture. He had an intimate knowledge of the natural world. He was extremely wealthy and perhaps one of the few men in all of history to have every material desire fulfilled.

It is interesting that Solomon was a child of the union between David and Bathsheba—the relationship that represented the great sin of David’s life. David committed both adultery and murder to make Bathsheba his wife. But God granted his plea for forgiveness. And a son of this union becomes king and reigns at the time of the greatest glory of ancient Israel. God gave David a fresh start through Solomon. It is a beautiful example of God’s mercy, grace and propensity to offer second chances.

Yet Solomon drifted away from worshiping Yahweh who gave him everything on a golden platter. It is a marvel that some people, who have all the world has to offer can completely blow it. Solomon was able to avoid disaster but he set in motion the downward spiral of the nation of Israel into ruin. First he followed after the way of the kings at that time and focused on the exclusive goals of wealth, power and an excessively large harem. Then he allowed his foreign wives to lead him astray and worship other gods. How did they manage to have so much influence on him anyway? I thought women were powerless in the ancient world. Yet they managed to corrupt the wisest man alive. The nation of God’s chosen people, for whom He cared so much, starts to unravel following the death of Solomon.

“Nature is Cruel but We Don’t Have to Be”

2010-10-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

I loved the movie Temple Grandin. Not only was it a well done film but it was a most interesting story based on a real person’s life. It helped me understand autism better and it reveals how people with ‘disabilities’ can make amazing contributions to society and our way of living.

It stars Claire Danes who does an amazing job of portraying Temple Grandin, a woman with autism who grew up in the 1950s and 1960s when there was little understanding of the condition. While a physician recommended that little Temple be institutionalized, her mother fought the system and worked hard to teach Temple how to talk and behave, enabling her to complete her education and go onto college. Temple continued with her education to complete both a masters and a doctorate degree in animal science. Her career in livestock management has transformed the means of transporting cattle to the slaughter house so that they enter it calmly, dying without pain and in dignity. Temple has a love, compassion and respect for the animals that give us life and health. Almost half of the slaughter plants and livestock farms in the US use her designs.

That is encouraging because I believe that meat is a healthy source of nutrition for me. I know that diet is a very individual thing but my health problems with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome have made me sensitive to what makes me feel healthy and nourished.

I now wish to explore finding, purchasing and preparing grass-fed meat. I would prefer to eat meat from animals that are raised on pastureland rather than crowded livestock farms. I have learned that it is healthier for human consumption and I assume that it provides a better life for the animals. Maybe someday farmers will rip up some of the vast fields of corn (the source of the poisonous high fructose corn syrup) and wheat (the source of mammoth amounts of highly refined foods and gluten) and use the land for pasture.

Recovering the Joy

2010-10-19T04:56:00.000-07:00

A chronic illness does not have to take all the joy out of life. My passion for hiking is an example. I have always loved the great outdoors; nature, wild life, gorgeous views, and the invigoration that comes with exercise. I formerly held visions of spending the rest of my life conquering the ‘fourteeners’ of Colorado. But then Chronic Fatigue Syndrome invaded my life and I had to abandon those dreams. It was very painful. But I have come to the realization that I can continue to hike and enjoy the outdoors. It simply has to be done in smaller pieces.

Acadia National Park is a wonderful place to hike with trails for people of varying abilities. For those who love to hike but are restricted by a health problem, there are many short sweet trails winding through some of the most stunning beauty. It is a treat and I’m relishing every bit of it!

I do lose the opportunity to boast. Saying, “I climbed the 173 foot summit of Bar Island!” is not nearly as impressive as “I climbed 14,115 foot Pikes Peak!” But maybe there are more important things than my pride.

Facing Reality

2010-09-22T08:34:00.000-07:00

I may as well admit it. I have a chronic illness. I have been struggling with this health problem for ten years yet I maintain this stubborn notion that it will finally go away. I persist in thinking that I will find the cure. True healing is right around the corner and I’ll get back to normal. But it doesn’t happen. I have given up on doctors as far as this condition goes. There are some things that help and I have found ways to cope. But will it ever completely go away? I don’t know and to be honest it doesn’t seem likely.

Over the years I have followed a pattern of desperately searching for answers, surging with hope when I come across a promising discovery and aching disappointment when the answer fails to be the ultimate solution.

Pride and shame keep me from admitting the obvious. It is painful to admit that I am flawed—that my body is broken. It is particularly painful to tolerate such little physical activity after previously perceiving myself as relatively athletic.

There is a certain comfort in acceptance. I can let go and quit fighting and pretending. Acceptance does not mean giving up but learning to adapt to life in a new way.

It has been a long journey but the following are things that have helped me so far:

• Practicing the relaxation response, meditation, and proper breathing technique
• Careful pacing of activity and rest
• Overcoming insomnia through the Conquering Insomnia program
• Eating low-carbohydrate and gluten-free
• Finding comfort from the myriad personal blogs on living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Fibromyalgia/ME

I am staying with our daughter and family for a few weeks. My main job is helping out with care for 7 month old Julian while she waits for a more permanent child care situation. Sarah and Andrew are very busy with their jobs and parenting highly energized three year old Henry and baby Julian. I wish I could do more to help them but my energy levels get depleted so quickly. I keep hitting the wall of numbing fatigue, headache and sore throat and then I have to back off and rest until my energy reserves are replenished. This is very frustrating.

Learning to Sleep Again

2010-05-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

One morning six months ago I rose to another dreary day of sleep deprived exhaustion. I was so tired of feeling tired. I have struggled with insomnia on and off for most of my adult life but recently the problem had plumbed new depths.

For almost twenty years I relied on a medication to help me sleep that my doctor assured me I could take safely for the rest of my life. That stopped abruptly when the pharmaceutical company ceased to manufacture it. However, once off of it I felt healthier and stronger. It seemed that there was a link between the medication and the poorer health that I had been experiencing and I regretted I had taken it for so many years. From then on I wanted to abstain from sleeping pills as I realized that all medications have undesirable side effects. Medications can be helpful in the short term but unless absolutely necessary, taking medications long term may introduce new health problems. And in particular, current medical wisdom advises against taking sleeping pills long term.

Thus on this specific day in December, strangled in the web of brain fog and the malaise of fatigue, I resolved that I would find a drug-free answer. I simply refused to live this way anymore. The nights were miserable and the days were even worse. I cried out to God. If this was ‘the thorn in the flesh’ that God wanted me to live with, so be it, but I wasn’t going to accept it without a fight.

I spent the morning browsing the internet for answers. I came across all kinds of ads, gimmicks and websites designed to appeal to sufferers of insomnia. Intuitively I rejected most of them. Then something caught my eye. It was a website for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia. It had a link to a Good Housekeeping article and the author drew me in with her well written humorous style and I could identify with her sleeping difficulties. She explained how the drug-free CBT for Insomnia program had helped her and she gave me hope. I examined it carefully. The five week long program is designed and run by psychologist Dr. Gregg Jacobs. It provides instructional material to be read and studied each week and the participant is required to keep a sleep diary which is examined and returned with directions regarding one’s sleep schedule. The cost was only $25. What was there to lose?

The timing of all of this fell over Christmas week. Normally I would wait until after Christmas to start a program of any kind but I craved immediate relief. Fortunately our Christmas plans were low key and I thought this was as good a time as any to get going on it. However, not only did the course span Christmas and New Year’s but also the time we would spend out east with Sarah and Andrew as she was due to deliver her second baby.

In spite of the holidays and traveling I followed the program faithfully; not because I was dutiful or disciplined but because I was desperate. I didn’t see immediate results. I knew it was a process and it could take some time and practice to achieve success. But toward the end of the program I could tell it was working. I had fewer of those miserable, restless nights and zombie-like days and was generally feeling more rested and energetic than I had in a long time.

The program didn’t help me in the way I expected. I had always believed the hype that one needs eight hours of sleep. I thought for sure that I was one of those people. So I assumed that that was what I would get from the program—eight solid hours of good sleep. Gregg Jacobs says no. Some people need less. My program was structured so that I was advised to get no more than 7 hours. But I found that I did fine on that—even 6 hours some nights is all I need. In fact, Jacobs suggests that the ‘eight hour hype’ is promoted by pharmaceutical companies in an effort to sell more of their sleeping pills.

I decided to let a good amount of time go by before I would tell my story. I wanted to avoid premature claims that I had conquered my insomnia. But generally speaking it worked, and I am very happy to enjoy regular good sleep.

http://www.cbtforinsomnia.com/

My California Trip

2010-04-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

Consisted of:

Visiting relatives

Not only Uncle Brennan and Bill and Kathy who are pictured here but Steve and Wendy and Don too (I was mad at myself for forgetting to take their photos)

Visiting Friends

Brad (Sean's old roommate from USC) and Cathy and Noah

Justin (Sean's present roommate)

Seeing two great museums with gardens

The Huntington Library and Gardens

The fabulous Getty Center

Attending Sean's church: experiencing and appreciating Tommie Walker's music

Seeing The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo because it hadn't been playing anywhere near Colorado

Enjoying lots of fun eateries:

The Carousel http://www.carouselrestaurant.com/

The Trattoria Amici at The Americana http://www.americanaatbrand.com/glendale/dining/dining.php

Aunty Ems http://www.auntieemskitchen.com/press.html

The Oinkster http://www.theoinkster.com/

Cafe Beaujolais http://www.yelp.com/biz/cafe-beaujolais-los-angeles

Ruby's Diner on the pier at Huntington Beach http://www.rubys.com/

Spending time with Sean who graciously allowed his mother to hang out with him and drove her all over the place on those crazy freeways

Owl

2010-04-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

I love unusual wildlife sightings. For thousands of years it was probably no big deal for human beings to observe most any kind of wildlife but in my modern world such occurrences are rare—like precious jewels. My recent gem is a Great Horned Owl who has taken to hanging around our house. For the past month I have heard intermittent hooting and have wondered if it was an owl or a mourning dove.(I am a dumb suburbanite.) And then one evening just before dusk, I was preparing supper when out of the corner of my eye a large pair of wings swooped by our kitchen windows. I followed the flight of those wings as a large bird lit on the branch of a tree 50 feet from our house. Although well camouflaged in the woods, I could discern the outline of an owl. I admired the noble creature through binoculars and marveled at its great puffy feathery body. I thrilled as I realized that it seemed to be watching me too. Then it amused me by turning its head completely around without turning its body, in typical owl like fashion, as it observed something directly behind. Several times it leaned forward and rocked rhythmically as it called hoo, hoo-hoo-hoo, hoo.
I longed for another sighting but assumed that I would have to settle for merely listening to its hooting in the night. However, late yesterday a commotion by a couple crows drew me to a window and there was my owl perched in a tree closer to the house than last time. The crows fluttered around it cawing excitedly while it maintained a dignified posture. Finally they left and I observed the owl in peace. Again I used binoculars and saw that it was staring back at me, direct eye contact—eerie but thrilling. It lingered in the golden glow of the setting sun for about an hour and then plunged from its perch and soared out of view. I’m looking forward to my next sighting.

Spring Skiing

2010-04-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I enjoyed a rare surge of energy. We were skiing at Keystone on the last day of its 2009/2010 season. White peaks glistening against blue sky, soft mountain breezes, crisp snow, bright sun and the scent of pine made for a time of wonder and joy. I was able to take more runs than usual and I enjoyed a feeling of renewed confidence in my ski legs and ski feet as I negotiated each trail. It was a pleasant change to appreciate the wind on my face rather than brace against it when we rode the chairlift. At lunchtime, Kim and I flopped into Adirondack chairs by Labonte Cabin’s ‘Beach’ and luxuriated in the warmth of the sun. Life is good when you can enjoy a sense of well being and the beauty of God’s creation.

The Cross of Emmanuel

2010-04-03T07:35:00.000-07:00

We went to the Good Friday concert at First Pres last night and as usual Jim DeJarnette was wonderful. He not only led the music, directing the choir and musicians, but he led the service as well. In my humble opinion he is one of the few Christian leaders who ‘gets it’ or at least communicates that he ‘gets it’. His faith is real and genuine and he makes Christianity look like something you want to be a part of not only because it would be good for you (a future in heaven rather than hell) but because it is so beautiful and eternally true. He is not exactly a dynamic speaker but he is sincere and authentic and speaks with the kind of quiet authority that I imagine people saw in Jesus.

The theme of the service was ‘The Cross of Emmanuel’ with an emphasis on the meaning of the name, God with us. All of the lovely music, scripture and other parts of the service revolved around this theme.

He started the service by introducing a piece of artwork; “The Crucifixion” painted by Grunewald around 1515. This piece was commissioned for the Antoinite monastery at Isenheim, Germany with the purpose of providing comfort for the patients in the monastic hospital. These patients suffered from hideous, humiliating skin diseases that distorted and disfigured their bodies. When Grunevald painted his crucifixion he painted Jesus, not as some sort of superhero who looked pretty good despite being tortured on a Roman cross, like many other painters of the time, but as one suffering with the outward physical symptoms of some of these diseases in addition to the agonies of the cross. The painting depicts him as having the strange contorted swelling and skin discoloration that the patients of this hospice had. Grunewald was saying to these people, “Look, this Jesus identifies with your suffering. He died for you.”

The service also involved a conversation between Jim DeJarnette and Dan Woolley, a man who works for Compassion International and survived the collapse of the Hotel Montana in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. Dan described the horrific physical experience that he endured as well as the rescue that took place sixty hours after the earthquake. Jim’s questions drew out from Dan how he experienced God with him during that ordeal.

Humanly speaking it is easy to focus on Dan as the one who God saved. But Jim also drew our attention to Dan’s companion, Dave Hames, who did not survive the quake. God was with him also, Jim explained. God plucked Dan out of that collapsed building to go back to his country and his family but he plucked Dave out of the earthquake to be with Him. To reinforce that point Jim led the choir in “How Lovely is thy Dwelling Place” by Brahms. He also assured the congregation that God is with each one of us in our unique situations.

Pippi Longstocking II

2010-04-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

I recently finished The Girl Who Played with Fire, the second book in the Millennium trilogy by Stieg Larsson. The book is full of violence and bad language, things I usually abhor in books and movies but I can’t help it—I’m enthralled with the character of Lisbeth Salander. Her character is loosely based on Astrid Lindgren’s Pippi Longstocking.

I read the first book The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo while traveling in Sweden last summer. It was fun to read it while immersed in Swedish culture and to see some of the countryside and places where the story is set. The book was prominently displayed in all the bookstores and I observed that people were reading it everywhere—airports, bus stations, etc. The Swedish title is Men Who Hate Women. Intriguing. Why did the publishers of the English edition change the name? Did they assume that the book would not sell with the Swedish title?

I love the fantasy of Lisbeth’s extreme intelligence, photographic memory and her remarkable ability to defend herself. It is fascinating to me that the same sense of liberation and delight that I received as a child from reading about the antics of Pippi Longstocking, I now get as an adult from reading about Lisbeth Salander. Although she refuses to see herself as a victim she has a certain underdog status resulting from childhood tragedy with which it is easy to empathize. Then there is the joy and exhilaration when she fights back. I love her sense of justice and moral clarity.

I appreciate how Stieg Larsson’s moral outrage (at racism, sexism and the abuses of power) shines forth in these books. As a journalist he fought neo-Nazi activity in Sweden for many years. I feel sad that he died young and was unable to fulfill his ambition to write ten books in this series. His writing has inspired me to give more support to such organizations as Not For Sale. http://www.notforsalecampaign.org/

Questioning the Faith of Others and the Existence of Moroni

2010-03-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

I cannot help but think the Mormon faith is weird. I have a persistent Christian faith, despite all my doubts and questions, and I realize that many think my faith is foolish. But a guy finding golden tablets in a hillside and reading them with special glasses—doesn’t that just seem silly? My apologies to all the followers of Joseph Smith—I realize that many of them are sincere folks with a reputation for good morals and solid families.

This is on my mind because I have been reading The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff, a fictional account based on historical events surrounding the life of the 19th wife of Brigham Young. With her influence the Mormon Church officially banished the practice of polygamy. However, some fundamental Mormon sects continue it to this day and in the process destroy many lives.

Since moving to Colorado over twenty years ago, I have grown more aware of the Church of Latter Day Saints because of the proximity to Utah. I have a great deal of curiosity about it which has led me to read several books pertaining to the subject; Martha Beck’s books, Jon Krakauer’s Under the Banner of Heaven, etc.

On our flight from Boston last weekend we sat amongst a group traveling to Utah. My antennae went up as I heard some of them vigorously discussing various aspects of the Mormon faith. But I was frustrated at being unable to hear them clearly. I so wanted to eavesdrop on their conversation.

Symmetry (and Asymmetry)

2010-03-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

Lenten Questions

2010-02-26T06:39:00.000-08:00

For those of us who are fond of creation; cows, goats, lambs, doves, the Old Testament writings teach that God created all of that but they also detail the preparation and execution of the offerings and this is particularly painful to read and the purpose is not entirely clear. In a number of areas in the Bible, several if not hundreds of animals are slaughtered for burnt offerings. How does slaughtering and burning animals pay homage to God?

I was listening to a podcast from Menlo Park Presbyterian Church and this was a question posed to Dallas Willard during a question and answer session as he shared the podium with pastor John Ortberg. It is a haunting question. I like animals. I hate the thought of them being slaughtered. I am not a vegetarian and sometimes I feel a little guilty about that. But I believe I need to eat meat in moderation to stay healthy. I am ensconced in my suburban home, buy my meat neatly packaged at the supermarket and never have to think about my food as animals that are butchered. When I do think about it, I just hope that they were killed in a merciful quick way and didn’t have to suffer. But I don’t know and I have no control over that. Do we have the choice of buying meat from kind, compassionate farmers and butchers? This is an area I would like to explore.

I appreciate the passage from the novel Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier when Inman, a wounded deserter from the confederate army stumbles upon the old goat woman. In addition to giving him medicine and advice, she prepares a life giving meal for him. She gently strokes a young goat, almost lulling it to sleep before silently and swiftly cutting its throat. She demonstrates that she needs the animal for sustenance but she also has reverence for it.

Anyway, back to the question above. I had always assumed that the reason behind animal sacrifices was because of the biblical dictum, “Without the shedding of blood there is no remission for sin.” (Hebrews 9:22) Although it makes me shudder I have always accepted this as a part of my faith. Dallas Willard didn’t touch on this at all. Instead he talked about God’s willingness to meet us where we are and that is where the ancient people of God were during the time period of the Old Testament writings. He states that animal sacrifice was not part of God’s ultimate plan. Perhaps this is so and there is more to the story that I have yet to learn.

What about Jesus, the Lamb of God? It is painful to read about the torture and death that he endured. Sometimes I dread Easter because of this. I love the resurrection part of the story but it is painful to contemplate the horrors of the crucifixion. If he had to die for us why did God allow him to die in this way? Couldn’t Jesus have been born into another culture and hung on the gallows, shot, given lethal injection or some other less cruel way to die? I have heard someone say that the reason he could not accept Christianity was because he could not fathom that God the Father would allow such a death for his Son. I can understand this sentiment but as a Christian I accept the thread of sacrifice and redemption that runs through the history book of God’s salvation (otherwise known as the Bible) even if I fail to totally understand it.

The deeper question here is, “Is the God of the Bible a good being?” For the record I believe He is. He offers all people a relationship with Him and I wouldn’t trade the love and grace He so freely gives me for anything.

Grandchildren

2010-02-13T10:02:00.000-08:00

It’s funny…now that this incredible thing has happened, it is almost all I think about. How amazing, I think…certainly the most beautiful and wonderful thing that has happened to me. And yet it is not unique. It happens every day, hundreds of times, to so many different people. But if that is so, why isn’t the birth of every new and precious little one all anyone ever wants to talk about? Why isn’t everyone talking about this everywhere you go? -Andrew after the birth of Henry

There is something about having a child--you are met head on with an amazing miracle. And it happens all over again when you have a grandchild. Each birth is a celebration of life but this is one more time God has graciously allowed you to have something to do with it. You are given the privilege to witness a little piece of you going on two generations later.

With your own children there is the opportunity and burden of great responsibility—not to mention sleepless nights and countless anxious moments. However, with grandchildren it is sheer enjoyment. Hopefully by now you have accumulated wisdom and experience and show more grace to your grandchildren than you did to your own children. And like we all do they need that kind of unconditional love.

My Big Relapse

2010-02-08T10:23:00.000-08:00

Last year at this time I was optimistic about my apparent recovery from fibromyalgia. I thought that a medication I had been taking was the source of my fibromyalgia symptoms because when I had to discontinue it, I felt much better. I explain this in my blogs: http://brokenbutbeloved.blogspot.com/2008/09/surmontil-shortage.html and http://brokenbutbeloved.blogspot.com/2009/01/fibromyalgia-is-gone.html

However, I ran into a roadblock last July (around the time of the hailstorm) when out of the blue came a major relapse. Something must have triggered it but it was so sudden and unexpected. Perhaps I pushed a little too hard with my lap swimming. Anyway, it sent me crashing over the edge and wham; I was hit hard with all the old symptoms; crushing overwhelming fatigue, malaise, pain and brain fog. I went from being fairly active everyday to feeling too ill to do anything. Although I still thought it was a good thing that I was forcibly weaned from Surmontil, I had to admit that I had a peculiar health problem. I lacked energy to do anything but the most fundamental activities. For the last part of July I spent two weeks doing as little as possible and with rest and careful pacing I gradually built myself back up to a tolerable level.

It was during this time that I discovered the term post-exertional malaise. http://brokenbutbeloved.blogspot.com/2009/07/post-exertional-malaise.html All along this had been the symptom that baffled and plagued me most yet I didn’t have a name for it. It was very frustrating trying to explain this phenomenon to others. No one seemed to get it. Even my various doctors failed to understand. It is the symptom that is aligned with CFS rather than fibromyalgia.

It became clear to me that I had been misdiagnosed. Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are closely related but my symptoms definitely fall in line with CFS rather than Fibromyalgia. I felt frustrated that my doctor failed to recognize that. But from this point on I embarked on learning everything I could about CFS.

Activities for August were already planned and it was too late to change them. Blind optimism and a bit of denial persuaded me that I would be able to handle everything with ease. Sarah and Henry were to fly from Massachusetts to visit us for ten days and I had been looking forward to that very much. We invited Kim’s parents from Illinois as well so Sarah could visit with them and they could enjoy their great-grandson. The family time was great and it was especially precious to spend time with my grandson. But the effort to be a good hostess was excruciatingly difficult. On top of that I had a trip planned to Scandinavia for the latter part of August. I love travel and was very excited about that trip. On the outside everything went well but on the inside I really struggled. I was in pain the entire time.

When I returned from the trip I collapsed. It took three months to return to a reasonable level of function and three more months until I felt “normal.” During the hardest times I felt forced to step off the road of life and hide like a wounded animal.

What really helped me during this time are my ‘internet doctors’ who gave me hope and a means to cope. There are two that stand out. Nadine Sauber’s colorful blog http://healthosity.blogspot.com/ gives me information about diet and other aspects of recovering from CFS. Bruce Campbell’s blog http://www.recoveryfromcfs.org/ and Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Self-Help program http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/ has taught me the supreme importance of pacing. Not only do they give me a lot of information and guidance but they also encourage me when they remind me that I’m not alone with this condition.

I have learned that I cannot rely on traditional medicine to help me. Maybe there are some medical doctors out there who understand and know what to do for patients such as myself but I despair of ever finding one. I have had too many bad experiences and it is simply too expensive to keep looking. Doctors either prescribe medication or do surgery. Obviously there is no need for surgery for CFS and drugs only seem to make the condition worse. Recovery for some chronic health problems such as CFS must be done by the patient—basically taking super good care of oneself. This is summarized in Nadine Sauber’s healing formula: Real whole food alkaline diet + restorative sleep + elimination of toxins and stressors + being positive and hopeful + regular graded exercise and pacing + consistency + time. I would add ‘relaxation techniques’ such as meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, biofeedback and breathing techniques.

With strict adherence to this formula one can recover from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Although my healing isn't complete, I have come a long way and I have read about others who have had substantial recovery. Many people are lucky enough to be healthy by default. Others of us have to learn or relearn what good health is all about. Most doctors don’t do education and that is what CFS sufferers (provided they don't have another medical condition) need most.

Hail Storm

2009-07-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

A neighbor's house the morning following the hail storm.

An exciting storm came through last Monday night. I woke up at midnight to flashes of light from the north window of the bedroom. As I heard no thunder I assumed the distant storm would soon pass to the east. Meanwhile I enjoyed the fireworks and soon drifted back to sleep. It seemed like seconds later that a howling wind arose and hail pounded the house. A chill invaded the previously hot summer air. Water streamed through the windows as they banged and shook and James and I raced around to close them. The flashes of lightening now enveloped us and seemed to occur every two seconds as they revealed a wintry looking landscape. I have lived in Colorado over twenty years and I have never experienced a hail storm that was so loud—and long—a good twenty minutes. Fortunately we were privileged to experience the thrill with little damage; a few decimated flowers and shredded shrubs. Later I heard the news that suburbs near Denver suffered smashed windows and the crushing of houses and cars by huge trees.

Post Exertional Malaise

2009-07-22T07:31:00.000-07:00

Every time I exercise I pay. Most people feel good after they exercise—they’re invigorated…but not me. I feel worse. This challenges my motivation but I persist because I really want to get back to doing the outdoor things I love.

Since my forced discontinuation of Surmontil last fall (it is no longer manufactured) and the cessation of most of my fibromyalgia symptoms, I am not home free yet. Surmontil did keep my insomnia at bay and without it my sleep problems are back. And the one fibromyalgia symptom that did not go away is the mysterious post-exertional malaise. PEM is a period of intense, debilitating fatigue in reaction to seemingly harmless activity from which it takes an inordinate amount of time to recover. It is also known as exercise intolerance. I don’t have it all the time but I have recently experienced a particularly bad episode.

So between insomnia and occasional post-exertional malaise it is no wonder that I am tired all the time. I fear that in addition to my already reserved disposition my fatigue only makes me seem more aloof. Perhaps I should wear a button, “Please excuse me, I’m not a snob, I’m just very tired.”

However, in my constant quest for answers I have found hope. It comes from a book I’ve discovered, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Fighting Fatigue by Nadine Saubers. The book describes exactly what I’m going through. It provides good, practical advice about pacing, graded exercise, and maintaining a healthy energy bank account.

Good health is such a glorious thing. For those who are blessed to have it, it is easy to take it for granted. Some of us have to fight for it but it is worth the battle.

Japan in me

2009-07-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

A 95 year old man living in Tokyo recently asked me to contribute to a book he is writing. This is how it came about.

Four years ago I learned about the John Manjiro Whitfield Commemorative Center for International Exchange. It organizes trips for Japanese people to visit America and vice versa for the purpose of friendship and cultural exchange. On a given year a group of Americans travel to Japan and on the alternating year a group of Japanese travel to America. Volunteers on both sides provide activities and experiences for their guests as well as arrange for two to three day home visits. James had a lot of interest in Japanese culture at the time, partly motivated by his interest in Nintendo and Anime. To me it seemed like a wonderful opportunity for travel and a good educational experience for my son. We made the trip and loved it. Although I anticipated that James and I would be together for the homestay, we were not. At age 16, he stayed with Japanese strangers by himself. Although initially very anxious about it, he thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

On the following year, the host city for Japanese guests was Colorado Springs. Eager to return the hospitality shown to me, I volunteered to host Japanese visitors in our home. At first we were told that a 78 year old man would be staying with us. Then I received a request to also take in a man who would be traveling with our guest as an attendant. The 78 year old's physician (also his friend) insisted that he not travel alone and arranged for her husband to accompany him. When the time came to meet our guests, we discovered that the 78 year old was actually 92. We heard rumors that he feared being excluded from the trip if he admitted his actual age so he fibbed on his application!

We had a fascinating visit with this man. When he was younger he worked as a journalist for one of the large newspapers in Tokyo. During World War II, he covered a battle in Korea where the Japanese were overwhelmingly defeated. He was beaten for reporting the truth about that battle and is deaf in one ear from the injuries. In addition he also described interesting aspects of his childhood in Kyoto.

There was a shadow of sadness over his visit however. He was grieving the recent death of his wife. He wore her photo around his neck and would discuss the circumstances of her death with us.

Mr. Konno holds a photo of his recently deceased wife

The next year I went to Japan again with my friend Diane. We visited the Noto Peninsula on the western side of the country. It is an enchanting area of mountains, sea, and rural landscapes. We experienced the pleasure of staying in a ryokan. My homestay was in the quaint little town of Hakui City with a woman named Masago and her mother. Masago took me to see to the beautiful gardens in Kanazawa. She also took me on a hike up a mountainside of lush bamboo and pine to the site of the burial place of Moses. How did that story ever develop? Fascinating!

Masago gave me a kimono.

At the Moses Park

At the end of the trip we spent two days and one night in Tokyo before flying home. My former Japanese guests invited me to have dinner with them, the younger man's wife and three additional friends. The younger man came by the hotel next to the Tokyo Dome,a huge baseball stadium, in a taxi to pick me up. It was a bright early summer evening as we drove through the vibrant canyons of Ginza. After driving by the grounds of the Imperial Palace we stopped by one of Tokyo's newspaper buildings where we picked up the elderly man. There he presented me with several copies of a book he had written. It was written in Japanese but the title was translated into English, My Sunshine in Colorado. What a surprise to look inside the book and see photos of our family, our house, as well as other photos of his trip to Colorado.

What followed was one of the most amazing dining experiences of my life. They took me to a chic restaurant many floors high that overlooked an expansive vista of city, waterways, bridges,ocean, boats, and distinctive landmarks such as Tokyo Tower. The meal was exquisite, a traditional style of Japanese cuisine known as kaiseki. Every morsel was delicious and served with the most beautiful presentation. My hosts overwhelmed me with their generosity and hospitality.

A few months ago I received word from the elderly gentleman that he is writing another book and he requested that I contribute to it. He asked me to write about my thoughts and plans for the future of the world from a female perspective. I responded to his request and I may be published in Japan! I hope nothing is lost in translation. As far as I can tell, his books are self-published and their circulation is limited to his circle of friends and acquaintences. But it has been fun and all part of this greater adventure of becoming acquainted with Japan and its people.

I strongly recommend to anyone who would like to travel to Japan that the John Manjiro Whitfield Commemorative Cultrual Exchange is a great way to go. I would love to know if there are similar cultural exchange programs with other countires. The small bit of research I have done has failed to yield any but I assume they must be out there.

The Thunderbirds

2009-05-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

Photos by Kim Carlson

One of the great things about where I live is being able to catch the Thunderbirds air show that follows graduation at the Air Force Academy. The whole front range area of Colorado Springs is their stage and they captivate all who live here with their breathtaking display of power and precision. Yesterday, Kim and I found a spot for lunch that made a good vantage point and we settled down for the show. I feel like a little child when I watch them as their magificent feats fill me with wonder,awe, and admiration.

The Soloist

2009-05-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

There are few movies, especially at the theatre, that I can embrace completely. Many I can enjoy for one reason or another but it is rare that a film has the power to engage me totally. Last weekend I saw The Soloist and it met the above criteria. I experienced a deep sense of catharsis after watching it.

The Soloist is an uplifting movie but not a feel good movie. It does not have a happy ending in the traditional sense. It tells a story honestly and openly. The acting of both Robert Downey Jr. as Steve Lopez and Jamie Foxx as Nathaniel Ayers is excellent. The sweet sounds of the soundtrack left me longing for more beautiful classical music.

Good art depicts life as it is in a beautiful, aesthetic way. Director Joe Wright is a master at making a movie pleasurable to watch from an artistic standpoint. Woven throughout the film are these amazing scenes of cityscapes and so forth that ordinarily would hold no appeal but he captures them in such a way that creates beauty. There are aerial views of crisscross designs of freeways or parking lots with pigeons flying over. Pigeons are not considered the most beautiful of birds but they look graceful as they flitter across the screen in this context.

I think good art also upholds the dignity of human beings. Not only are the scenes aesthetically pleasing but they hold a deeper symbolic meaning. In the midst of the horrors of homelessness and mental illness, there is beauty in the lives of those suffering people. Sometimes it is obvious as in Nathaniel Ayer's talent even though for him it can never be fully actualized.

The film underscores the value of friendship; that it can matter more than anything when trying to help someone. It is a great film for anyone involved in Stephen Ministry. It illustrates the importance of grace and simply being present for somebody struggling with life.

Our Spring Break

2009-03-29T18:56:00.000-07:00

Frigid Bass Harbor, Maine, isn't the usual place that comes to mind when one thinks of spring break. But that is where Kim and I went a couple weeks ago. We needed a grandchild fix and because Sarah and Andrew has time off from both their job at Gordon College and Sarah from Waring School, it was an ideal time to visit them.

We spent our week at our condo in Bass Harbor. It was cold but we had some bright sunny days. I loved being on Mt. Desert Island more than I thought I would. It was peaceful and quiet without the tourist crowds, yet some of the businesses were opening up again after a winter hiatus.

It was wonderful to spend time with Henry and deepen our bond with him. Of course we loved being with Sarah as well. Andrew stayed home for most of the week due to some important meetings he needed to attend but we were fortunate to have a couple days with him too.

Highlights included:

1. Catching up with Sarah and Andrew

2. Watching the sunsets over Blue Hill Bay every evening

3. The lovely, deep silence of the starry nights

4. Good times in the Southwest Harbor Public Library

5. Treats from Sawyer's Market

6. Discovering the Cranberry Island Kitchen

7. Brisk walks overlooking the harbor

8. Lots of time enjoying the cuteness of Henry

9. Spending an evening at Margi' and David's house

10. Observing Sarah's creative endeavors

www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=164978&id=1425096092&l=9dab81af88

Sarah in the Media

2009-02-16T08:50:00.000-08:00

Our dear daughter Sarah was quoted in The Salem News amidst "taking time from chasing her determined toddler, Henry."

http://www.salemnews.com/punews/local_story_043235116.html

Grace or Bust

2009-02-09T09:55:00.000-08:00

I was raised in an atmosphere of shame-based Christianity. Although, I believed that only God’s grace could save me and I was unable to merit God’s salvation on my own, I failed to live as though I was walking by grace. My spiritual walk was crowded with shoulds and “dos and don’ts” and all manner of legalism.
Shame-based Christianity is fed by a tiresome round of “I’ve got to do better…I must try harder…I’m not doing enough.” It promotes the temptation to believe that I am better and everyone else is worse. Shame-based Christianity is suffocating; it chokes the life out of you. It is like stumbling around in gloomy places with a ball and chain. I can’t bear it.
There was a difficult time in my life when God seemed absent. I was entrapped in the dark pit of depression. But through that experience, God taught me that He not only saves us by grace but helps us to live by grace as well.
Grace-based Christianity is so wonderful. It is freeing and joyful. Grace-based preaching/teaching is like soothing balm for the soul. It celebrates love and mercy. You live your life motivated by love. You can be yourself and God works through you as an individual, yet you also find joy in community. It is like frolicking on a mountain meadow full of wildflowers under a warm sun and bright blue sky.
I cannot tolerate going to a church that emphasizes shame-based Christianity over grace-based Christianity. Our family spent an entire year looking for a church home several years ago. My chief criterion was a church that communicates grace or at least is led by people who communicate grace. It is amazing how difficult that is to find. We finally found such a church. Now we are contemplating being part of a church plant from this church on our side of town. I hesitate to be a part of it because I fear the possibility of the absence of grace-based leadership. If that is how it ends up…I just can’t go there…literally and figuratively.

The Joy of Skiing

2009-02-05T08:22:00.000-08:00

Kim and I had a wonderful time in the mountains last week. Our friends, Kevin and Diane, joined us for a couple days. We skied together on one of the most beautiful days at Keystone ever.

Maturity and Tenacity Prevail

2009-01-26T07:25:00.000-08:00

I am an avid figure skating fan. As many people like to watch football games, I love to watch figure skating competitions. The combination of athleticism and art draws me to it. I recall delightful times of skating on ponds and rinks when I was young but I never had the opportunity to go beyond that. Nevertheless, following the sport of figure skating is a hobby that I enjoy.

Ice dancing is my favorite event. The art and romance of it create a beautiful drama on ice and of all the figure skating disciplines it showcases more maturity and expression. The ice dancers tend to be older than the others. Continuing with my predilection for romance, pairs is my second favorite. Also, their stunts are risky, exciting and breathtaking. The men's event is my third favorite because I think men are interesting. My least favorite, ironically the most popular, is the ladies event. It seems that the women tend to peak at a very young age, around 15, and although they are very good, they lack the maturity of expression that makes figure skating so satisfying to watch.

Therefore, I was delighted to see twenty-one year old Alissa Czisny skate well and win the Ladies US national competition. I have admired her skating over the past five years or so but it has been painful to watch her struggle to rise to the top. Thus it was gratifying to see her win the fruit of her perseverance last weekend. Her quote in my local newspaper inspires me.

Throughout the years there 's been a lot of disappointments and hard times. I think I've been able to take all of them and learn from them. It's made me a better person, it's made me a better skater and I've learned a lot, a lot about life.

Historic Inauguration

2009-01-21T06:58:00.001-08:00

This month my book club is reading a classic; Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe. Every third month we read a classic. In between we read a fiction book followed by nonfiction. Anyway, it is extremely painful to read about the cruel and inhuman practice of slavery. It made the historic inauguration yesterday so much more poignant for me.
I am probably repeating the obvious but I am optimistic that Barak Obama’s Presidency will cause a dramatic decrease in racism in this country. I believe that it will gradually fade away without a lot of fanfare. The widespread reality of having a black president will infuse people’s consciousness and sub-consciousness leading to a breakdown in prejudicial thinking.
Part of the reason I believe this is because of something that happened to me when I was a young girl. It may be frivolous to compare my situation to the profoundly difficult experience of many people. However, when I was young, kids teased me about my name. I disliked being singled out and scorned for any reason so it hurt me when kids taunted me saying, “Jackie is a boy’s name.” However, when John F. Kennedy began his race for the White House and he and his wife grew in popularity, kids ceased to make fun of my name. It just never came up anymore.

Reading the Bible

2009-01-17T07:16:00.000-08:00

I prefer to read the Bible in short passages, chewing over them meditatively and thoughtfully. However, the leadership at our church has challenged us to read the entire Bible in a year. http://www.first-pres.org/index.cfm/PageID/523/cfid/5614858/cftoken/28037701/index.html It has been presented as a project that we can do together as a community. So I have resolved to take on the challenge. I have discovered that Holy Trinity Brompton in London is doing the same thing. I have become acquainted with Holy Trinity Brompton through the podcast, Godpod. The reading schedule that they have chosen coordinates with the one I am following. On their website, Nicky Gumbel, is offering comments on each daily reading. http://www.htb.org.uk/home I love the way, Nicky, the facilatator of the Alpha course, http://www.alphacos.org/ presents God's good news in a simple, modern, clear way. I have only been reading his comments for a few days, but I have discovered that he is able to unify several not necessarily related passages to draw out a satisfying spiritual concept. There are interesting comments by others as well on the HTB site.

In addition to using the hard copy of my NIV Bible, I like using this site. http://www.ibsstl.org/bibles/dailyreading/index.php It gives me the option of listening to the passages being read. One drawback, however, is that I don't particularly like the reading voice. He makes God's voice seem too harsh at times.

Christmas Memories

2009-01-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

Christmas 2008 is quickly receding into the past. It went by too fast but I am enjoying the memories of it. It was such a delight to have our family all together for a week. Sarah and Andrew and darling grandson Henry flew from Boston to spend the week with us.

Check out these photos is you want to see something of our week together.

Fibromyalgia is gone

2009-01-09T08:43:00.000-08:00

I have neglected my blog the last few months but I wish to resume it and pick up where I left off. My sudden cessation of Surmontil has resulted in the most amazing thing. After suffering withdrawal and dealing with the physical aftermath of an automobile accident at the end of October, I noticed that I was no longer experiencing fibromyalgia symptoms. My friend's suggestion that there might be a connection between my long term Surmontil use and my fibromyalgia symptoms was prophetic. Gone is the end of the day excessive exhaustion to which I had become accustomed. Gone is the stiffness and pain that followed the slightest physical exertion. I am free to workout again and enjoy it. I look forward to skiing now. I have more energy and can actually stay up later than 9 PM!

The downside is that I struggle with insomnia again. The Surmontil did do a great job of keeping my insomnia at bay. However, if given a choice, I'd take insomnia over fibromyalgia any day. I just feel bad that none of my doctors were aware that there may be a link between the drug and my fibromyalgia symptoms. It was a good medication for me short term but I really wish one of my doctors would have seen the wisdom of discontinuing it after say--five years or so. Instead, the doctor who first prescribed it told me I could safely be on it for the rest of my life. I guess physicians really don't know pharmaceutical agents that well. I feel sad that I inadvertantly poisoned myself for all those years thus dimishing the quality of my life during that time.

Surmontil Shortage

2008-09-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

A weird thing happened to me recently. I was unable to refill my prescription for Surmontil. I have been taking this medication on and off for about eighteen years. It was first prescribed to me for sleep problems associated with depression and until a week and a half ago I took it for sleep problems asscociated with fibromyalgia. Sometimes I would get it as Surmontil and sometimes as the cheaper generic version Trimipramine (the same thing) but I have never had trouble refilling it before. Occasionally the pharmacy could only give me a limited number and would have to order the rest for me to pick up a few days later but that is the only difficulty I ever had obtaining it. It seems like the perfect drug for me because it definitely helps me sleep well but is free of side effects and does not produce an artificial feeling of sleepiness. Anyway, when I recently tried to buy a refill at my Walmart Pharmacy, they repeatedly told me over the period of a week that it was on order. At the end of the week, they told me that it was simply unavailable. I was stunned. Maybe I am naive but I didn't think we ran out of medicines in the United States. One of the people working in the pharmacy called about ten pharmacies in the area to see if they had it but no one did.

Actually, before this happened I had decided to wean myself from Surmontil. I don't have depression anymore and I'm learning how to cope with the symptoms of fibromyalgia. I have taken this medication for many years and I think it would be better for my long term health if I discontinued it. But I would like to do so gradually. Abrupt cessation of the drug can cause headaches, nausea and malaise. I omitted one dose per week in September, planned to omit two doses per week in October and so on until I was off of it.

If I had been aware of this shortage, I would have started the weaning process earlier. But with this recent development, I was forced to stop abruptly. I have gone through the headaches, nausea and malaise--it only lasted about five days so it wasn't too bad. I am feeling pretty good now and I have been sleeping fairly well too.

Yet I am curious what happened. Why would such a helpful drug go off the market? Is the reason too much competition from Prozac and other such meds? Is the pharmaceutical company creating the shortage artificially so they can raise the price? Is there something wrong with it so that doctors no longer are prescribing it? Does anybody out there know?

One friend suggested that there may be a connection between my long term use of Surmontil and my fibromyalgia symptoms. Could that be? It would be interesting if my fibromyalgia symptoms gradually disappear. If so, I could end up feeling grateful for the Surmontil shortage.

Sigur Ros at Red Rocks

2008-09-28T09:38:00.000-07:00

Kim, Sean, James and I went to Red Rocks last night to hear the Icelandic Band, Sigur Ros. It was so much fun. Red Rocks is a gorgeous venue for a concert. As well as enjoying the creative genius of various musicians, you can also enjoy the creative genius of God's great creation. Huge red rocks fringed with evergreens embrace the amphitheatre. It is set high above the city of Denver and by the time you reach your seat from the parking lot you feel as though you have climbed a mountain. Stars twinkle above and city lights twinkle below. It is magical.

To me the music of Sigur Ros sounds primeval, mystical, northern and nature-y. It is unique with features like the lead singer playing his guitar with a bow. I have always assumed that they sing in Icelandic but last night I learned that they sing in a made up language of their own. So their music is weak on lyrics but they really know how to create a mood.

A 90th Birthday Celebration

2008-09-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

The Carlson family gathered in Rockford, IL on Labor Day Weekend to celebrate Lois Carlson's 90th birthday (which actually took place on August 21). All of our family had the good fortune to be there; Sean and James took a road trip with Kim and I. Sarah, Andrew and Henry flew from Boston. Lance and Marti flew up from Atlanta. We missed Chris and Alison, Kevin and Katie and Clayton but we know they were with us in spirit. We were blessed with gorgeous weather. It was a great time of being with family. We celebrated multiple times at such settings as The Stockholm Inn http://www.thestockholminn.com/ (we got one of the Carl Larson rooms this time!), JMK Nippon http://travel.yahoo.com/p-travelguide-17490434R-jmk_nippon_rockford-i (my favorite Japanese American restaurant) and the new restaurant at Anderson Gardens http://www.andersongardens.org/. Kim's Mom was the special birthday person but I think all would admit that Henry was dangerously close to stealing the show with his cuteness and winning ways.

Empty Nesters?

2008-08-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

After being empty nesters for a year, our sons are returning home. James spent the past year at Emmaus Bible College, and the summer working at Camp Elim. He had a great summer at Camp and every so often brought some friends home on their day off...roughly noon Saturday until noon Sunday. They would do their laundry, enjoy some home cooking (I hope; although I heard the food at Camp Elim is very good), have one morning to sleep in and enjoy a little recreation. The would attend the 11:30 service with us at First Pres. before taking off to Camp. Above is a photo of him with two girls, Caitlin and Ana Lucia who we had the privilege of hosting. During that particular weekend they spent much of their time watching a "The Office" marathon. It was so much fun getting acquainted with them as well as Caleb and Becky. James has some great friends. He is planning to start classes at The University of Colorado in Colorado Springs this week and will live at home for the time being.

Sean had been living in a house in "the Springs" with good friend and roommate, Ben, until Ben got married to Melissa in June; a beautiful wedding to which we were invited. Sean shared being co-best man with the groom's brother.Then Sean was off to Hollywood for the summer, doing an internship for a film company producing A Dark and Stormy Night. Above he is shown in his cameo role as Ray Vestinhaus. Sean is going to live at home this fall and save up some money for...the next thing in his life.

We love having our sons home again. They are great people and it is fun to have them around. They also help me a lot with my computer and other technological issues.

Now if we could just persuade Sarah, Andrew and Henry to live with us too.

Church Dilemma

2008-08-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

Finding the perfect church has been an important but elusive goal for Kim and I for most of our married life. (Of course anyone reading this may recall the adage that once you find the perfect church it will quickly become imperfect because you joined it.) Our faith is important to us and we long to be a part of a nurturing community that truly believes in God, will help us grow spiritually and where we can serve in a meaningful way. Yet we have been frustrated over and over. Finding the right fit has not been an easy process.

A few years ago we belonged to a church that while very much alive at one point ran into a series of difficulties and finally died. We were ready to move on but felt cautious. We decided to take a full year of visiting churches in our city before we made our decision where to settle. Sean and James were both living at home at the time and they were a part of this decision making process. Eventually the four of us felt unanimous about making First Presbyterian Church of Colorado Springs our church home. http://www.first-pres.org/We like the good Biblical teaching, both the traditional and the contemporary music, the leadership and the way the church reaches out to the members and the community with compassion. All aspects of the worship service are knit together through the teaching, music and right amount of liturgy to focus on a specific theme that is easy to carry away. Kim and I have gotten involved with the Stephen Ministy which is both fulfilling and challenging.

The only drawback is that the church is 25 miles from our home. Recently a land developer building a big residential community close to where we live, has donated some land to our church. The church wants to form a "northern campus" for the church and a group of church members are actively working toward this. We love the idea of going to a church nearer our home. It makes sense to be involved at a church in the community where you live. But we know it won't be the same. Would we still receive the same spritual nourishment that we receive from the big church downtown? We don't know.

Another reunion with a Batstone!

2008-07-28T15:29:00.000-07:00

Kim and I drove up to Keystone a couple weeks ago to meet my cousin Linda and her husband, Steve, who were vacationing in Aspen. They drove over from Aspen on Wednesday, July 23rd. To our surprise and delight they had their daughter, Emily, with them as well as Emily's boyfriend, Louis. We haven't seen Emily since the 1993 Batstone family reunion. She was only 2 years old at the time. We had dinner together in our Ski Tip condo and a great time of conversation and laughter.

On Thursday, we spent several delightful hours hiking around alpine lakes up on Loveland Pass. It was a gorgeous summer day up there with the trickling streams and bright little wildflowers. Buffie and Sadie were with us and they loved romping around. Sadie looked very much at home like she was in the Scottish Highlands.

We had a late lunch at the Tiki Bar on the shores of Dillon Lake. Steve and Linda enjoyed getting to know Summit County since their son, David, is planning to be work at Copper Mountain this year as a ski patrol. One thing that dismayed us all, though, were all those trees dying of Mountain Pine Beetle. The mountainsides are covered with "red trees."

Vacation in Chicago

2008-07-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

Following the wedding, we spent a few days in the city enjoying my favorite 3 R’s: Relaxation, Rest and Freedom. It was a sweet little vacation in the fantasy world of downtown Chicago which offers excitement, stimulation, pleasure and amazement. The more flagrant beauty of the city is contained in a small area. As one moves further from the heart of it, one sees pockets of the other side of city life—dirt, urban decay, crowding, poverty (people unable to keep up with the high cost of living that the city demands). But along the lake and the river, there is beauty and wonder and the wealth to maintain it. The garden plots along Michigan Avenue were gorgeous. Huge pots of flowers and tiny plots of earth bursting forth with the colors and foliage of some of the nicest gardens you can imagine. We took an Architectural Boat Tour on the Chicago River where we learned about the many and varied buildings of Chicago—a cornucopia of architectural styles. We spent an evening on the 96th floor of the John Hancock building admiring the vast view of lake and city, ate at great restaurants like Frontera Grill http://www.rickbayless.com/restaurants/grill.html, had a day at The Art Institute and did a little shopping.

Wedding in Chicago

2008-07-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

Last week Kim and I took a trip to Chicago. We traveled there to attend a wedding of a friend of ours who is “schlick to schlick” (sp?) to Kim. I became acquainted with her when she happened to visit Sweden the same summer we did and gathered with the same group of relatives who showed us around Dalarna and gave us such a good time partying at midsummer. She is a wonderful person who was widowed by her first husband when he died of cancer. We wish and pray the very best for her and her new husband. The wedding was held at the beautiful Fourth Presbyterian Church which was used in the film My Best Friend's Wedding. And the reception was a bountiful celebration at the old Opera House, now City Tower. We drove Kim’s parents and aunt to the wedding and spent some time with them along with Kim’s brother, Lance. We visited Stockholm Inn in Rockford as usual. We love the new Carl Larson rooms. http://www.thestockholminn.com/

Cousin Dave

2008-06-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

It was great fun when my cousin Dave Batstone came to visit us last week. He and his managing director (and co-founder) of Not For Sale http://www.notforsalecampaign.org/, Mark Wexler, were here to evaluate a donor development firm that is headquartered in Colorado Springs. We had a great evening of conversation and laughter as we caught up on one another’s lives.
I have intended to read his book Not For Sale for a while now. Now I have no excuse because Dave gave me an autographed copy. It exposes the tragedy of modern-day slavery and how we can help. I think it is one of the most worthwhile social causes for which one could fight.

Our New England Trip

2008-06-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

It has been over a week since I returned from my trip out east, but that remains for me, one of the most significant things in my life of late. Kim and I had a great couple days in Bass Harbor with Sarah, Andrew and Henry. As Andrew was leaving to go home to work, Kim’s brother and sister-in-law arrived with their daughter. The two brothers and their wives and daughters had a good time enjoying the delights of Mr. Dessert Island. We climbed Cadillac Mountain (by car) and pondered where it was exactly that Henry Hager proposed to Jenna Bush, delighted in the sights of Acadia National Park as we drove Park Loop Road, ate popovers at the Jordan Pond House, had some good ice cream at Mt. Dessert Ice Cream Co. and a gourmet meal at Havana’s in Bar Harbor, did a bit of shopping in Bar Harbor and took a little outing to view the famous Bass Harbor Light.

Lance, Marti and Katie left for Atlanta and Kim, Sarah, Henry and I drove down to Boston. I planned to stay with my parents as Mom recuperated from hip replacement surgery. Kim and I visited her in the Mount Auburn Hospital. (I observed the hospital with interest because in the novel I was reading, Run by Ann Patchett, the hospital figures prominently.) Mom did very well with this major operation, heroically refusing pain medication and progressing well with her walking and her exercises. I hope I was able to be a good support to them during Mom’s first week of recovery. Although Dad did very well at handling everything—managing the household as well as being a staunch medical support to Mom. I helped prepare meals for them with the help of Margi’s Dinner’s Done pre-prepared meals. I enjoyed being with them and I trust that next time I visit, Mom will be pain-free with her new left hip. Meanwhile, Kim left after a couple days in Boston in order to accompany Sean as he moved to Los Angeles to do his UCCS internship with a film production company. I am grateful for the opportunity to visit with Margi, Don and Belinda (and meet their cute little dog Muffin). Unfortunately I did not see Doug and Patty, David and all my nieces and nephews out there.

While with my parents, I spent one more beautiful day with Sarah and Henry. We went to Lynch Park, a seaside park in Beverly, and let Henry have the run of the place while we followed him around. He had a great time on the playground equipment with a short visit to the beach to dig a bit of sand. Sarah prepared a nice picnic lunch which we ate on the run as we tried to keep up with busy little Henry. When he was finally exhausted, we got into the car and before we had driven very far, he was fast asleep. We used that opportunity for Sarah to do some shopping. We found a shady parking spot and I “babysat” Henry while Sarah shopped. After Sarah was finished and Henry woke up, we went to a great ice cream place nearby—Richardsons. My lovely day was complete with a meal at Julian House with the Carlson-Liers and the Wassells. Christina made a delicious summer meal of BLTs and steak fries. I had a lot of fun connecting with the Wassell boys again.